On the top of the planet - Day 8

Yesterday night, I ended up preparing that paper for Bulgaria. Why? Perhaps because I reached the conclusion that the only way to cross this stage is simply to fulfil whatever is there. To take it on, in a way. To take also the non-excellence on. 
Perhaps it is a mistake, and a mistake I have committed too often in the past. Publishing mediocre papers without any chance of visibility, just to be among people. Just to participate. Nonetheless, I felt there is some sort of inclusive virtue in this participation.
Now at least I understand one thing I have read on a blog dedicated to academic advice a long time ago. Why the blogger said the publications sometimes may be TOO NUMEROUS to serve their author's best interests. Undoubtedly, it is my case. I write too much to be among people. And this virtue of participation... is perhaps contrary to the best research ethics. Because participation in not a sufficient reason to write. Only originality, progress, excellence is. 
These are the protestant ethics of the top of the planet. And I live a double life. 
So what should I do? The paper I prepared for Bulgaria (Lettres portugaises versus Novas cartas portuguesas) is based on an old topic I presented on last time in 2014, on a little conference we made with Joanna Partyka and some colleagues from Alicante that used to came for an ERASMUS mobility. Now as then, it is all about being among people.
I know my text is not bad. No, it is good, perfectly good. But this is how the scheme of evaluating researchers is built in the ERC: they are good -- very good -- outstanding -- exceptional -- excellent. There is no such category as bad researchers. We are all doing decent, acceptable work. But the good and the very good ones are not financed.   
I know very well what I should do, what serves my best academic interests. I should be in the library now, working on my project. On the extra-cultural becoming of man. As Ibn Hazm said, one thousand years ago, we are the intellectual mujahiduna who have sworn on the furthest frontiers to stand, facing darkness... Not to be women among women, spending time on feasting and chatter of the ongoing academic life, repeating anecdotes we already told years ago on similar occasions, and that had been told by other people on similar occasions as well, and that have a great potential of making us accepted in the company of other women...
So what should I do, delete it, once and for all? Send it to Sofia and indulge in the sensation of participating? Because if I didn't write those good, easy things, I would write nothing at all. The machine would stop. And I would plunge in silence, darkness and loneliness.
 

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​I added the Bulgarian text to my forthcoming publications. And started to read Himmich in the bathroom. The only way up is to go slowly. After all, I am in such a doubt about returning to my text from 2014, because I have grown and improved so much since that time.