Deciding about a future

My conference is in a couple of days, and I'm blocked. Not about this, perhaps thinking too much about the future, now that I manged to leave my past behind. Probably I will have to go to Berlin in June (if it doesn't wait till September); they are potentially interested in me as a specialist in Lusophone Africa. This is what I asked, but now I'm reading Ngugi wa Thiong'o and seeing movies about Cecil Rhodes, trying to imagine how soon I might come to hate being an Africanist, to find it limiting. Will I?
And if not an Africanist, then? Yes, Amsterdam, my first choice, and persevering in my theoretical work. I should apply for the ERC grant; it would give me my first choice.
I can say very easily this is our tradition, having Netherlands in mind, and not the same way about saying this is our tradition, having Germany in mind. Even if it's true about more than just the Christmas tree. I've been seeing a Dutch program on Amazigh origins and history. Those people came to the Netherlands during the persecutions of Hassan II, most of them in the eighties, I presume. But the Dutch journalist was making this program with such a quiet persuasion he was working out our history. Somehow I share this concept of history, Willem van Oranje, nootmuskaat and the VOC included in the package. I miss it, even now, as my true homeland. An apartment in Amsterdam would cost me twice as much as an apartment in Berlin. There is enormous speculation going on; with all the Saudis moving in, the market is literally bursting with ready money. But if I could get my Finland, or the ERC, or whatever, I would pay the price only too gladly.